always forward, never back

always forward, never back

2018 taught me a lot but honestly, the biggest it taught me was to keep moving forward in life. I heard the phrase “always forward, never back” while watching the TV series Imposters this winter break (it’s on Netflix and it’s really great and I encourage you all to check it out) and it’s been sticking with me ever since.

These past five months have been the hardest ones I’ve endured so far and I fell into a depression during the month of November that left me pretty stagnant. Life was hitting me with hardship after hardship and I wasn’t sure how to keep everything moving as though everything normal. Simply because everything wasn’t normal, my life had changed drastically and I couldn’t keep up. I needed time to stop for a moment so I could process everything that was happening around me. And while there’s nothing wrong with taking time for self-care and catching up, I feel as though maybe I took a little too long. After a while, I was neglecting my responsibilities and relationships and while I know that it was my depression, I can’t help but feel terrible about it.

As I’m going into this new year, I really want to make sure that I’m not letting my past control my future. Rather than constantly being sad and not wanting to leave my bed, I want to focus on using my past to fuel my future. I want to make sure that I’m always moving forward and never moving back. As Samya always said, I got shit to do. I want to grow, I want to succeed, I want to be that bitch. I can’t do any of those things if I can’t get my shit together and let my past run my world.

Honestly, this mindset took a while to form. I would be sitting on my friends’ couch staring at my laptop screen like, “I should write something. I should be doing my homework. I should be editing articles or creating yearbook pages,” but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I barely had any energy, I was eating maybe once a day and sleeping for only 3-4 hours every night. I dropped 16 pounds from between October 14 and December 14. I was a really hard time for me but sometime around early December I finally had the urge and the energy to do more than sulk on the couch.

I like to say that I remembered who I was and who I want to be and that gave me the motivation but all of this is thanks to my friends and family. Even though I was going through so much, I definitely wasn’t going through it alone. My friends were dealing with just about all the same things as well as others but they still had the strength to pull themselves out of bed to make it to class, even if it took constant encouragement from others. I figured that if they were strong enough to keep moving forward then I could too. At first, it made me feel really shitty for being extra depressed and watching them leave for class in the mornings while I could barely get up to even make food but one day I just decided to start seeing it as motivation. This changed my entire mindset and I started to leave the house, talk to more than just my friends who truly understood what I was going through, and complete some of the tasks on the to-do list that was longer than Chris Brown’s 45-track album. So here’s to growth and kicking depression’s ass another time.

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